Dir- Lewis Teague
Flushing those little alligators down the toilet seems a lot less likely when you see the carnage laid by this deeply pissed reptile. Fed on sewer rats and who knows what, the gator grows to enormous proportions and busts out of the sewer to eat politicians, pimps and all sorts of assorted scumbags. Henry Silva is hired as the big game hunter to deal with this pesky reptile. With plenty of blood and guts and a fun wedding scene you have a film that will keep you from snoozing, at least for about 20 minutes.
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)
Dir- John De Bello
You must be a from another planet to have not heard of this classic baddie. The world is held at bay by killer tomatoes which have a terrible attitude. Along the way, we get every imaginable swipe and cliché from some of the most famous horror films. Not only a staple at every Bad Movie Festival but considered by many to be the worst movie ever made, if not the most comically fun. With a cast of thousands (tomatoes) and a song that is just as famous, Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes was infamous enough to get three sequels and a television cartoon series. Where are those Italian Chefs when you need them.
Basket Case (1982)
Dir- Frank Henenlotter
One of the most famous low-budget horror classics of the eighties is also one of the coolest cheese films to come in a long while. Kevin Van Hentenryck plays a shy young male who travels with a wicker basket in hand through the streets of New York City. What is inside the basket is his twin brother, a telepathic mutant who was once attached to the shy boy. The pair is on a quest to find the doctors who separated them years before and do them in most cruel ways. With a look and feel of a small budget film, Basket Case is that rare horror film that uses its bare bones budget to craft a movie that looks and feels like an early film by John Waters and David Lynch. Not really a bad movie but a cheese flick!
Beast Within, The (1982)
Dir- Philippe Mora
Bibi Besch plays a woman who is raped by a swamp thing during her honeymoon. Seventeen years later her son undergoes some freaky metamorphosis that turns him into a giant cicada monster. Although it is supposed to imitate a '50s style monster movie, I found the story rather boring and the monster somewhat laughable. I had rented this movie because the box said it was one of the most shocking films ever made and warned the viewer to beware of the last few minutes. I took it as a sign of good things to come, too bad the cicada gimmick proved to be a poorly executed shock ending. Ronny Cox also appears as the father of the cicada boy. A rather weak attempt to use a Kafkaesque idea.
Beyond the Door (1974)
Dir- Ovidio Assonitis
You know when a great horror film like The Exorcist comes out, it is fair game for all the hacks out there to copy, cut and paste. This time we get a pregnant woman, played by Hayley Mills sister, who is possessed by the devil. As always the husband is to blame, ever wonder why more woman doesn't do this. Well instead of stealing more of the story and plot, they take the gross vomiting scenes and cursing and make it more intense. What we end up with is yet another clone of a popular movie with little in the originality department and lots of bad acting and dramatization. Still, this film is notable in the horror scene for some odd reason, oh well I guess there is indeed a market for carbon copies.
Dir- Charles McCrann
Another sad attempt to imitate the success of George Romero. This one was even filmed in Romero's home state of Pennsylvania. As always a government experiment goes terrible and has some mysterious events are the result. A group of potheads is sprayed with a chemical in the woods by the government, turning them into flesh-ripping, blood-craving zombies. With such a field of great zombie flicks by the master Romero to watch, this one seems almost pointless.
Blood Feast (1963)
Dir- Herschell Gordon Lewis
In what is considered the first true splatter movie, Herschell Gordon Lewis delivers what many had never seen before in modern cinema, all out gore. The story centers on a Miami caterer who wishes to bring an Egyptian love goddess back to life, to do so he has to prepare a Blood Feast in her honor. Using the corpses as food stock, he cuts up legs, arms, and tongues and serves the leftovers to unsuspecting patrons at various social functions. Though the film is woefully primitive by today's slasher films it is a laugh riot for its wild use of blood red gore, silly special effects, and props that just seem too silly to take seriously. Mix this with the hokey acting (Playboy Playmate Connie Mason) and dialogue that has to be seen to be appreciated. Not what you would consider the goriest film on the planet but thanks to Lewis's style it certainly makes the film a joy to watch.
Blood Freak (1972)
Dir- Brad Grinter
Oh boy, do we have a winner here. One of the strangest films I received requests for, and I did get plenty of e-mail requests for it. I looked everywhere for it and checked every database imaginable looking for this little film. Director/producer Brad Grinter stars as a man who sits behind a desk smoke and points out the "cute girl with a problem." The hero is a Vietnam vet biker named Herschell (like Herschell Gordon Lewis), he meets a young woman named Angel and offers a ride to her. They then arrive at her sister Ann’s house where the two noble souls lecture about morality and purity to the drugged up lost souls. The evil sister Ann then entices poor Herschell and gets him to smoke marijuana. The two sisters have a scientist father who experiments with turkeys and gives Ann a drugged Turkey to feed to Herschell, which turns him into a Turkey headed monster. He then has terrible dreams about people eating him, and he precedes to hunt down drug dealers and dispatches them in some very fake looking scenes. Luckily for Herschell, sweet Angel can save him with prayer…. The movie is interrupted periodically by Grinter who gives his honest comments and ends up coughing uncontrollably due to his smoking. As you can tell this was made by a Christian church and their message was simple, stay true to the faith and avoid drugs. OK, what we end up with is a film which boasts wonderfully bad acting, poor scripting, laughable effects and an awful rock music soundtrack. As I finish, I must end with a fun quote: "Go ahead and become a Bible Freak. I don’t give a damn!"
Blood Sucking Freaks (1976)
Dir- Joel Reed
This film also appears on my list of Disturbing Movies. The movie takes place at an off-off Broadway theater with the magician Sardu performing realistic scenes off gore, Grand Guignol style. He is, of course, a sadist who leads a pack of minions in a gory house of torture. Filmed as The Incredible Torture Show, it was made to be a camp classic, yet fails considerably. The movie is very misogynistic and has little respect towards women. Usually, they are caged, sodomized or used as human urinals. The movie has terrible acting and not so special effects; the blood looks like it came from a Klingon Blood Bank. The scenes of torture and dismemberment look like they were done by nine-year-olds. One of the few movies picketed by woman's groups that deserved the condemnation. Too offensive to be seen as camp, it is one of those movies that you will want your money back, even if you paid .49 cents for it.
It seems the director of this movie got wind of my review and threatened to sue me if I did not remove or rephrase the review, Ok but I would not be proud of a film that is VERY similar to Herschell Gordon Lewis's Wizard of Gore.
Boogeyman, The (1980)
Dir- Ulli Lommel
This little number begins in 1960 where a girl and her older brother murder their mother's lover, a vile and sadistic man. We then jump 20 years and find the siblings all grown up and the young woman facing nightmares that have haunted her since the horrible incident. She comes in contact with a piece of broken mirror that is possessed by the lover's ghost, triggering a series of murders around the farm. Some creative deaths follow in this film which mixes a little Halloween, Exorcist, and Amityville Horror. The brother and sister are the directors and his real life wife.
Bride of Re-Animator (1990)
Dir- Brian Yuzna
Dr. Herbert West and his assistant are back, this time they find themselves in a South American Guerrilla War with plenty of fresh bodies for their ghastly experiments. This time around they use the wicked green fluid to re-animator body parts and create quite an army of living appendages. They also find that the animated head of their former nemesis is still alive. This follow-up to the wildly successful Re-Animator was not as well received as the original; it lacks the subtle blending of dark humor with the gore but still delivers a decent story and some bad FX. Avoid the unrated copy at all costs.
Car, The (1977)
Dir- Elliot Silverstein
A silly and hokey film about a demonically controlled car which manages to run over most of the cast in this yawner. Its big, it's black, and still, it's silly enough to make you laugh at the sheer audacity. Would have made a good episode of Twilight Zone Episode, which by the way it was! James Brolin might want to leave this off his resume.
Code Name: Trixie (1973) aka Crazies
Dir- George Romero
An army of soldiers clad in environment suits raid in on a town that has encountered a contaminated water supply due to a plane crash, turning the town into murderous psychos. There are many weird folks running around stabbing each other and turning into crazed zombies. Ultimately it seems the soldiers that are sent in become just as nuts as they shoot everything in site. George Romero's first major follow-up to Night of The Living Dead, and it is one of his most underrated films. The low budget look and great costumes add to a movie that is not as gory as Living Dead but just as much fun to watch.
Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things (1972)
Dir- Bob Clark
A team of actors travels to an island to film a horror movie, they play practical jokes and engage in a foolish supernatural ritual. The result is their unlikely death as they awaken a pack of wild zombies who rise from the dead. This spoof of Night of The Living Dead is half horror/half humor and is surprisingly more gory than one would imagine, yet its hokey look makes it a major cheese classic. Kudos to the screenwriter/star Alan Ormsby for the gory FX.
Children, The (1980)
Dir- Max Kalmanowicz
A toxic cloud over a country road turns a school bus full of kids into a pack of deadly killers. They return to their folks and fry them like bacon. This exploitation shocker packs nothing but fresh grade cheese and reused music from many other horror films. Not quite a movie for expectant mothers as one of the hero's wives is pregnant had traveled through the same cloud.
Chopping Mall (1986)
Dir- Jim Wynorski
This one has it all, really generic teenagers who are old enough to have teens kids, stupid looking robots and goofy sound FX lifted from War of The Worlds. A group of teens break into a mall and encounter the automated security droids which go about dispatching them with ray guns and such. The title is very misleading as there is no chopping or slashing, just frying with electricity. The only highlight is the cute love story between the nerdy couple.
I hate cute robots!
Dir- Douglas Cheek
Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers, that’s what the government calls those weird and slimy creatures who are dwelling in the subways of New York. It seems the homeless have yet another problem to make their miserable lives worse as the monsters come up to feast on them and anyone else they encounter. It is up to a homeless Daniel Stern and John Heard to discover the real truth behind these creatures. A real grimy and gory horror film that attracted hordes of fans with its cool title and icky monsters. Followed by a sequel that sets new bounds for suckiness.
Cthulhu Mansion (1992)
Dir- Juan Piquer Simon
If there were an award for the most misleading movie title, this film would win it in a heartbeat. You would think it was adapted from an HP Lovecraft story, but NOOOOOO! It concern’s a father and daughter who are held hostage by some burglars and their house somehow deals with the kidnappers in some most dubious ways. Best avoided unless counting continuity flaws is your hobby.
Curse, The (1987)
Dir- David Keith
A meteorite brings some weird fungus that turns a farmer and his livestock into crazed mutants. Somehow this is adapted from HP Lovecraft’s The Colour Out Of Space, but I find it a stretch. Followed by three unrelated sequels. I am beginning to wonder if anyone can produce a decent Lovecraft story that does not feature Jeffery Combs.
DeepStar Six (1989)
Dir- Sean Cunningham
A group of marine construction engineers unleashes an ancient creature which soon attacks the aquatic habitat. The giant monster which resembles an enormous lobster is the real thrill in this blatant copycat of the MANY underwater films of 1989. Starring Miguel Ferrer, Matt McCoy and Nia Peebles. The only reasons to rent this movie are to watch McCoy get munched by the lobster and to watch Ferrer get a real bad case of the bends. Made by Sean Cunningham who should have known better. BTW- The other underwater movies were Lords of The Deep, Leviathan, and The Abyss.
Eaten Alive (1976), aka Death Trap
Dir- Tobe Hopper
Tobe Hopper's follow-up to Texas Chainsaw Massacre was this silly film about a Florida Tourist Trap owner who has a hungry crocodile that he uses to dispose of bodies. His guests are just as weird as he has visits from Freddy Krueger and Morticia Adams, well not really but the actors who play them are. Not too bad as a horror film but I think Tobe Hopper's best effort was used up by Chainsaw Massacre.
Eegah! (1962) Aka Eegah! The Name Written in Blood
Yes, it is James Bond's Jaws (Richard Kiel) as the 7-foot caveman in this camp classic. It seems Eegah was descended from cave dwellers who lived in caves that kept them alive for extended periods of time. Featured on both Reel Wild Cinema and Mystery Science Theater.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)
Dir- James Signorelli
Our favorite horror hostess stars in this film that has her inheriting an old house complete with a book of magic spells. She then has to deal with angry neighbors and a warlock uncle who is seeking the book. About as silly as the films she hosts but not too bad if you have nothing better to watch.
Exorcist II: The Heretic (1977)
Dir- John Boorman
Oh, boy was this the biggest example of an awful sequel, yet in this day of ready made cheese, it doesn't seem as bad. Richard Burton is a Vatican official sent it to confirm the exorcism of Linda Blair and finds the demon still in her. About the only thrill is seeing a very well developed Blair.
Final Terror, The (1983)
Dir- Andrew Davis
A group of teens go into the forest and encounter something wild and weird in this combination of Friday the 13th meets Deliverance. Along the way they ditch an oddball member of the group and end up having to pay the price for their actions. This simple film stands out only because it features some soon to be famous stars like Daryl Hannah, Rachel Ward, and Joe Pantoliano. One of those films were the would-be victims end up turning the table on their killer.
Fly II, The (1989)
Dir- Chris Walas
Well, Seth Brundle left this world with quite a nifty toy. Unfortunately, no one can use it. Eric Stoltz stars as the son of Jeff Goldblum and Geena Davis and like daddy he is a super smart kid with enormous talents. Picking up a few years later we find young Martin Brundle living at a major research firm as a guinea pig to a greedy industrialist who wishes to exploit his father's unfinished teleportation technology. Since Brundle died taking many of his secrets the company hopes to use his son to finish the work. Like the first film, we have a misunderstood genius who finds love and understanding but is driven to near madness by the work that is pushed on them. The film mainly falls flat compared to its more successful predecessor yet does succeed in being even gorier the first. If you have seen the first, it is hard to believe, but I am telling you that it is way grosser than the first.
Fog, The (1980)
Dir- John Carpenter
A small seaside town prepares for an anniversary when a mysterious white fog comes in from the coast and leaves dead bodies in its wake. The story involves some past injustice against a leper colony, and the fog brings in three ghosts. This John Carpenter film features Janet Leigh, Jamie Lee Curtis, and Adrienne Barbeau and has great music, an eerie fog, and some pretty decent scares.
Dir- Frank Henenlotter
Ever wish you could have the girl of your dreams, well a young scientist has a great one until his latest lawnmower invention cuts her head off and kills her. He then becomes obsessed with rebuilding her and turns to drugging prostitutes with an explosive form of crack for their body parts. He then pieces her together in a Bride of Frankenstein style, yet her hooker tendencies come out, and she ends up killing her tricks. More of a parody than a straight horror film, the real gag is that the cartoonish gore and stitched up the body are pretty decent. The director Frank Henenlotter was also responsible for Basket Case and Brain Damage, and with the film's wildly funny direction and outrageousness it shows.
From Beyond (1986)
Dir- Stuart Gordon
Jeffery Combs is a scientist who along with Ted Sorel build a machine that can unleash a powerful dimensional creature that gives you the ultimate pleasure but for a price. Combs ends up with a weird tentacle that comes from his now bald head. This post Re-Animator film re-teams Combs with Barbara Crampton and director Stuart Gordon in another bizarre adaptation of an HP Lovecraft story. The gore level is much less graphic than the very bloody Re-Animator, but the story is just as great. The great effects and outstanding talent of Combs make this film a real hidden treasure. Gordon would continue to use Combs in recent Lovecraft adaptations.
Funhouse, The (1981)
Dir- Tobe Hooper
Four teens go to a carnival and spend the evening hiding out in the funhouse only to discover that a deformed albino is in there and does not care for visitors. The albino wears a Frankenstein mask but has his freaky face to scare those silly teens. A relatively scary film with plenty of dark rooms and a halfway decent cast of generic teens. Directed by Tobe Hooper, this was one of his better post-Chainsaw movies.
Dir- Ronald W Moore
A warrior prepares for battle in a future where every element of Mad Max has been ripped off or is being stolen outright. Ok, so some crazed leader of a post-apocalyptic gang wishes to kill a group of frat boys who he blames for a crime he did. With his mechanical blade claw he unleashes his fury and other evil deeds, what follows is unrelenting violence and mayhem. A great looking poster (designed by HR Geiger) is about him only thing nice I can say the film.
The Ghoulies (1984)
Dir- Luca Bercovici
Gee, Gremlins or Ghoulies. I recall when this one was released, it was such a blatant rip-off of the very successful Gremlins that got some people to watch it. A guy inherits an old house and finds the evil Bible that his Satanist father used to worship. He then becomes possessed, and after reading it, we get a motley group of little demons. The Ghoulies are a rather sick and creepy looking set of puppets that invade the house and reap havoc. What we then get is a standard fight them back into hell showdown with lots of blood and guts. I guess they wanted us to think the ghoulies were cute and cuddly, but most were just plain ugly. I would steer you away from this and have you watch the Dead-Alive or Evil Dead if you want a good vs. evil shoot out. Where's Ash when you need him.
Graduation Day (1981)
Dir- Herb Freed
Ok, so we have a young runner die on a track and her friends suddenly getting offed by some unknown killer. In what has to be the umpteenth imitation of Friday The 13th, we get yet another series of senseless killings and the usual who done it; I say who cares!
Graveyard Shift (1990)
Dir- Ralph Singleton
Another short story adapted from Nightshift; Stephen King must have a curse on his films as they tend to suck terribly, at least ¾ quarters of them. This one has a group of laborers cleaning out a basement with pressure hoses and encountering hideous rat like bats. The ultimate one, of course, is larger than a Great Dane. Like many of King’s poorly adapted novels, the producers feel the need to show us what exactly the hideous creatures look like, has anyone ever told them about Hitchcock.
Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1983)
Dir- Tommy Lee Wallace
Okay, I have broken my rule and placed a sequel in here, but I must say that this has to be one of the most hideously bad movies ever made. First, the damn movie does not have Jamie Lee Curtis. Second, NO Donald Pleasance and Third no Michael Myers. Hell, it isn’t even set in Illinois. It appears that a toymaker (Dan O’Herlehy) has gone wrong and made a load of killer Halloween masks. When it seems like someone is getting closer to learning his secret a group of assassins appears to kill them outright. There is also a backstory about a missing Stonehenge but who knows what angle they were a unique manner. There is also a brief cameo of the original Halloween on a TV, and this must be the reason why it was called Halloween 3. Just about everyone I know hates this film, and there is little doubt that the producers would like to forget this embarrassment.
Happy Birthday To Me (1981) Canada
Dir- J Lee Thompson
Is it all in her imagination or is Melissa Sue Anderson killing her friends off one at a time. In this VERY CONFUSING horror who-done-it we get a very complicated plot involving a rainy night, a pissed off mother and a poor girl who was not invited to a party. A terrible accident occurs on that rainy evening, and the death of the mother is the only certain thing. It is years later, and Psychiatrist Glenn Ford is working with Anderson to help her sort out her terrible nightmares. In a series of flashbacks, we get to see what happened yet even with all these clues; I still found myself rewinding the tape just to figure this mess out. The killings are pretty gruesome and in some cases entirely original but the overall feel of the film is confusing and too much of a mess to figure out. Anderson and Ford must have had been told something we weren’t, like what the hell is going on!
Hell Night (1981)
Dir- Tom DeSimone
Linda Blair appears in this ready made slasher film which has a group of her friends spending the night in a creepy house where they are holding hazing rituals for a fraternity-sorority rush week. Little do they realize a crazed deformed killer resides and is not too happy about having guests. One of many copycat kill-teen flicks, this one, stands out because it features our favorite puke queen in a most busty form.
Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II (1987)
Dir- Bruce Pittman
A flashback shows the bitchy Mary Lou doing whatever it takes to get the crown as Prom Queen, well she doesn't get it and dies in a freak accident. 30 years later her ghost returns to claim her crown; she then possesses a busty teen, and the result is quite grizzly. This movie is an in name only sequel yet is quite decent and features some great special effects and some pretty gruesome murder scenes. The real star is Lisa Schrage as Mary Lou who with her witty one-liners and campy presence give Vengeful Bitch new meaning. Successful enough to inspire a few more sequels that didn't quite have the spirit of the original or sequel.
Haunted Honeymoon (1986)
Dir- Gene Wilder
Gene Wilder and Gilda Radner star with Dom DeLuise in this very unfunny and somewhat annoying haunted house film. The house is dark and creepy but this attempt to recreate the charms of those 40’s haunted house films fails so bad that the only scary scene will be that of the audience trying to find the remote to get away from this horrible drivel. Even with DeLuise in drag, this film falls very hard and is one of the worst movies ever made.
Dir- William Castle
William Castle's ready-made clone of Psycho is a pretty shocking film in its right. A strange nurse presides over a creepy house with a quiet woman and a rather dweebish man. Not as gimmicky as his some of his later films but its gag was pretty original, a fright break was placed in the movie so that those too squeamish could ask for the money back. I would love to have seen their reaction, as the final scene was quite a shocker!
Horror of Party Beach, The (1964)
Dir- Del Tenney
This classic cheese film of the sixties plays like Frankie and Annette Meet The Creature From The Black Lagoon. It seems that toxic sludge leaking from sunken barrels raises a corpse and turns it into a fishy monster with multiple tongues that resemble hot-dogs. The real surprise is that all the scientists are upstaged by a black maid named Eulabelle who discovers how to kill the creature and reverses so much progress for civil rights with her stereotypical portrayal. The wretched effects complement the silly acting, funny looking monster and awful soundtrack by the Del-Aires (The Zombie Stomp). One of those films that has to be seen to enjoy its complete absurdity.
Horror Planet (1981) aka Inseminoid
Dir- Norman J Warren
Alien rip-off that has a colony of scientists at the mercy of a buggy creature who rapes one of the scientists and well you get the idea. Not as bad as some of the alien clones that came about but still worth a look if you can't find anything else on the shelf.
Dir- Paul Lynch
This one starts off with a flashback of a brutal rape and subsequent death of the rapist at the hands of the victim’s dogs. Apparently, the crime resulted in the birth of a crazed killer mutant man-beast (Big Surprise!). Years later a group of generic teens goes boating and end up on the island where the flashback occurred. They discover the house and the remains of dog bones. Once there they are taken out one at a time by the dark beast man. Nothing more than a cheap copy of Friday The 13th with every dumb cliché, no suspense or any creative effort. With most of the action occurring in the dark, the creature is never even seen in any detail. The only film I know to be named for a Road Warrior villain.
Jaws: The Revenge (1987)
This time it's personal! O.K., whatever the hell that was supposed to mean I guess it was intended to scare us into the theater for this lame sequel. Well, it seems the elder Brody has passed on, and the family must contend with a new shark that seems bent on revenge toward anyone named Brody. This lame film goes even lower with its incredibly stupid finale. Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles should have stayed home. What I remember best was that the audience laughed at the preview!
Dir- Mark Jones
Warwick Davis has had a good career playing in such epic films as Return of the Jedi and Willow, yet he displays a real lack of taste in this dated slasher flick. Davis plays the little Irish Fairy who is a group of people he thinks stole his pot-of-gold. Borrowing from the likes of Freddy Krueger and Chuckie, we get a rather sad attempt to recreate an amusing bad guy the likes of Freddy. After 20 years of boring exploitation films, you would think that a gimmicky horror character would seem out of place after such fantastic horror fright films like Silence of the Lambs and Se7en. Not so, we get the same retread of sick jokes, gory deaths, and silly overage teens. The FX are the only real saving grace, but FX cannot carry a film alone. Like a bad habit, the producers have decided to curse us with not one but two sequels. What next, Rumplestiltskin...........oops, too late!
Lift, The (1983) Netherlands
Dir- Dick Mass
You know many people have an irrational fear of elevators, and after many horrific elevator scenes in such films as The Omen II and Speed, it was no surprise that an elevator would be the focus of a horror movie. Well in this movie what we get is an elevator with a penchant for killing its riders. It seems the elevator, which is computerized, was programmed by some mad scientist type who used living human cells in his set-up. I have yet to see this film, but I received some replies to include it on this list. Very tongue in check in its approach but I think I will go for the X-Files episode with a killer elevator.
Dir- Joe Spinell
Another movie that made my Disturbing Movies list. A low-budget gore flicks with no moral perspective that its makeup artist wanted to be removed from its credits. Tom Savini would later become famous for his award winning FX as well as acting and directing many later horror films, yet his realistic FX are the only saving grace in this gutter movie. Like many horror films, we have a loner with no social grace or personality, in this case, a real mama's boy who enjoys murdering women and using their scalps to adorn his mannequins. The nature of this habit is nothing more than his perverse sexual pleasure. He is suffering from the torment of an abusive mother and longs for her love. Pity, because the audience is treated to little more than the graphic scenes of murder and the mutilation of the victims shown in gory red detail. Like many other slasher films, this one displays strong anti-woman feelings and the attitude that woman are only good for killing and raping. Showing little if any value this film only seems to sink into the abyss of cheap slasher flicks, yet it's clear immoral tone and downright negative feelings towards the woman in general place it in the hall of the disturbed. Carolyn Munro appears very much against type as a woman who is drawn to this sicko, will he do her in. Who cares!!! Luckily the producer/writer/star Joe Spinell died before making Maniac 2.
Manos, The Hands of Fate (1966)
Dir- Harold P Warren
Imagine a movie so brutal and intense in its absolute suckiness that it may indeed be bad for your psyche. The movie is about a family that travels so very far off they end up at a house presided by a manservant named Torgo. "I take care of the place while the Master is away," says Torgo. The Master is the one who worships the deity Manos, and he has this cool robe he wears with hands on it. Besides that the plot is pretty simple, it either involves The Master torturing Torgo or having his wives wrestle one another for his attention. There are also the Masters Hell dogs who wreck some havoc on Torgo and the family. To imagine this movie and its utter drek you must realize that is neither a Wood or HG Lewis movie, this is far worse than anything made by them. If you must insist on watching this film, PLEASE watches the MST 3000 play on this movie; it makes it WATCHABLE! Strangely we almost did not have this as an MST 3K staple; it was pushed upon by Joel Hodgson, and it took the other producers a couple of viewings to get the joke, I think he was just torturing them. Universally voted by the IMDB users as the worst movie ever made. At least Torgo has cool theme music!
Maximum Overdrive (1986)
Dir- Stephen King
You know I felt gypped by this, I see a preview with Stephen King stating he was directing this film and he was going to scare the hell out of us. Kind of based on a short story from King’s Nightshift (Trucks). Maximum Overdrive has the world’s machine turning on the people of the world and trapping a group of restaurant patron’s. Silly, boring, filled with many plot gaps and very much typical of King’s mid/late 80’s crud. This film also lacks suspense, thrills and any sense of direction. King should be ashamed of himself. The movie explains in the end why all the trucks went mad, but I wonder why the cars did not go nuts
Monster A Go-Go (1965)
Dir- Bill Rebane
Another infamous MST 3000 staple, and what is the deal with the term A Go-Go. I do believe that anything with A Go-Go has got to be a warning of drek to come. An astronaut returns from a trip and becomes this radioactively scarred monster. He then terrorizes teens and those too stupid to run away. With all the charm of a root canal, one wonders just what would compel someone to make this film. The credits list a Sheldon Seymour on its cast; a little digging unveils that this is none other than Herschell Gordon Lewis.
Night Creature (1978)
Dir- Lee Madden
I once read that there were no good Filipino films, well this one was shot in Thailand so who knows. Donald Pleasance is poorly cast as a sportsman out to hunt and kill a wild panther out on the prowl. I guess this is supposed to be scary but what do we know. The rest of the cast is both unknown and wasted in this snoozer. If you like Donald Pleasance, rent something else!
Night of the Lepus (1972)
Dir- William Claxton
If you know a little Latin then you would know this was a movie about bunnies, RUN AWAY!!!! This little gem features the talents of none other than Janet Leigh (Psycho) and DeForest Kelly (Bones from Star Trek). A small town is besieged by a horde of giant cottontail bunnies. What is even funnier is that the bunnies are not made to look evil or vicious. They are just big; that’s it! Of all the monster movies ever made I find cute bunnies almost laughable, well except for that vicious rabbit in Monty Python and The Holy Grail. Now that rabbit had a vicious streak a mile wide! Better put your carrots away or maybe we should talk to the folks who brought you Attack of the Killer Tomatoes, now that would be contested! Hand me the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch and be off!
Dir- Harry Essex
What were they thinking! Rick Baker designed the suit used by the title character and its best known for the obviously visible zipper. An attempt to make a latter-day Creature From the Black Lagoon ends up becoming one of the most infamous bad movies. This film was directed by Harry Essex who had worked on the more famous Gillman movie and was trying to recapture its glory. More or less the same story as Creature, the heroine was played by Pier Angeli who committed suicide during production. Watching this film is sadder than funny as you feel sorry for the actors who had to keep straight faces during this drivel. I note that at least three cult review guides recommended special awards for their effort, I agree they do deserve a special Oscar for keeping a serious face in light of the film's apparent suckiness. To think this was Bakers first FX effort.
Once Bitten (1985)
Dir- Howard Storm
You know there once was a time when Jim Carrey Movies did not get 100 million box office, and this film proves he can do the gags for a lot less than 20 million. A sexy Lauren Hutton stars as a vampire that longs for pure blood and discovers a rich supply in the teen virgin Carrey. Cleavon Little almost steals the show as Hutton's very queer valet. This little film does have some funny moments and a beautiful array of vampire babes. Fans of Carrey will find this movie much more satisfying than his disaster The Cable Guy.
Dir- Michael Anderson
Richard Harris is a salty fisherman who accidentally harpoons and murders a pregnant killer whale and her calf in what is a very icky scene. He then finds that his life is numbered as the mate seeks him and his crew out for revenge. This very blatant Jaws clone came in and hit it big to terrified moviegoers who found themselves rooting for the whale, I know I did! A genuine drive-in classic that seems a bit absurd in a few scenes but delivers the goods and plenty of thrills. Watch for an injured Bo Derek as she gets her cast removed in a unique manner. Makes you want to rethink that trip to Seaworld!
Orgy of the Dead (1966)
Dir- Ed Wood, Jr
We all know that Ed Wood, Jr. was a misunderstood person, and he is considered to be the worst Director of all time. You have to appreciate the effort he went through to make his films. I enjoy watching Plan 9 and a few other Wood movies because they are bad. Wood wrote the screenplay for this crap which is a horror-nude. Criswell stars as a Prince of Darkness who is passing judgment on a poor couple that happened to be caught in the graveyard. Of course, the other sinners are all topless dancers with big boobs, but that doesn't matter since they are sinners. Truly awful, even for Ed Wood, you would think that nudie films would turn you on, but this one turns you off. You're better off watching Plan 9, at least that one has a plot!!!!
Pack, The (1977)
Dir- Robert Clouse
What happens when you abandon a pair of dogs on a resort, they become wild killers????? Another play on animals turn deadly; we see a vacation site and its locals terrorized in this variation of the Birds. Too bad mother nature has to get even when we mess up, unfortunately, we end up with is yet another carbon copy. Now if they were rabid dogs or vampire dogs, we might have a movie worth watching.
Dir- Charles Band
Laboratory creature makes life hell for a scientist in this post-apocalyptic film which features Demi Moore. This movie would lie away in video shelf dust except for Ms. Moore's appearance, and the fact that is was the first of many awful 3-D films of the 1980's. Do yourself a favor and re-rent Road Warrior.
Dir- Juan Piquer Simon
This is one of those horror films that teetered on an X rating. Your standard mad slasher film begins with a little boy putting together a puzzle of naked women circa 1945, only to be caught by his mother. He then dispatches his mother in an ugly way. Years later we are on a college campus, and we see many brutal deaths and mutilations, all young women with big breasts and shapely figures. All in an attempt to piece the perfect lady, a la Bride of Frankenstein. The standard who done it with a lot of gore and some graphic violence. The conclusion is most tacky as they try to make it into a double twist style ending that is most unconvincing. A Spanish production which is at times unintentionally funny while being very brutal in its violence, we also see a few major goofs like a touch tone phone in 1945?? Only for those die hard gore fans who may like the chainsaw scene in the women’s restroom.
Dir- Joe Dante
Government experiments result in a mutant breed of Piranha that can live in colder water, causing significant problems for a Texas summer camp and River Park when they are accidentally released. This Jaws rip-off was one of the most successful of the many copycat films. It was produced by Roger Corman and featured some of his usual players. It was remade recently, but I still say go for the original, copycat that is….
Prey, The (1984)
Dir- Edwin Brown
Another Friday the 13th clone which has a group of teenagers being stalked and killed by a huge disfigured forest man. Besides the usual clichés and predictable plot, we have a film which would pass as a decent nature documentary due to its great nature shots and plenty of bugs crawling all over the place. I might also add the creature was played by Carel Struycken, who would appear in Adams Family as Lurch and Star Trek TNG as Mr. Homm. A film which I best remember for its rather icky shock ending and complete rendition of Edgar Allen Poe’s The Monkeys Paw.
Dir- David Cronenberg
David Cronenberg may have decided his vampire movie would set new standards. Unfortunately, his efforts were entirely too much like a Romero film. A young woman has a severe motorcycle accident and lucky for her it occurs near a private clinic. The doctors decide to do an experimental skin graft procedure which somehow turns her into a vampire monster. It is never really explained how or why it occurs. We then see her unleash upon Montreal with her killer armpits! When she hugs her victims, a fleshy syringe pops out and drains their blood. Afterward, the victims turn into flesh eating, zombies. Is this a vampire movie or another living dead movie, it is hard to tell since we seem to get both for the price of one. Although the zombie sequences are not as scary as Romero' films, porn star Marilyn Chambers does play a very sexy vampire. What we get is the combination of Day of the Dead, Dracula, and a little of The Crazies. My option is to go with the Dead Trilogy or Cronenberg's classic Scanners.
Refrigerator, The (1991)
Dir- Nicholas Jacobs
Another one of those silly killer appliance movies, funny how I have never seen any of these. Well in this one we have a couple battling a possessed refrigerator. The premise is taken very seriously by its maker and what get is a suspenseful and at time funny movie. Shot in lower Manhattan, I find this yet another in a long line reasons why I will not move to New York. Burp!
Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)
Dir- Charles E Sellier
Another movie that was picketed by family groups. Silent Night has a young man who dresses as Santa Claus and goes out killing people. This, of course, stems from the brutal murder of his parents at the hands of some drunken killer dressed as Santa. The young man then suffers at the hands of a mean nun and a cruel orphanage. He then gets a job at a toy store and seems fine until Christmas comes and he is asked to don the red suit. Weak acting and way too much silly psychology are the highlights in this unoriginal slasher flick. With the controversy that brewed up, it is worth noting that the Killer Claus was first used in a Tales From the Crypt 10 years before. Many feel that this is the worst movie to have spawned a series of sequels, although I would debate that considering the number of Leprechaun sequels we have been cursed with.
Street Trash (1987)
Dir- James M Muro
One of my favorite splatter movies and one of the grossest films to come from the eighties. We get a bad neighborhood, killer pimps, drug crazed thugs, ugly prostitutes and some crazy drunks who get a real treat when the local store sells a newly found box of cheap wine for a buck. The stuff is so hot that it eats you up. Not much plot except for some cruel deaths, some necrophilia, a few violent shoot-outs and an amusing keep away game involving bum's severed penis. Another memorable scene has a victim melting into a toilet and flushing himself literally down the can. One of the best sick films and a real treat to all bad movie gore fans.
Student Bodies (1981)
Dir- Mickey Rose
First, there was Halloween, then Friday The 13th, what next Jamie Lee Curtis’s birthday? Seriously, this horror parody is about as memorable as the last Troma film but for some odd reason I am drawn to it. It stars pretty much no one worth noting, and I guess those who were in it leave it off their resume. A psycho breather preys on those typical stupid teens and uses every piece of office supply as his deadly weapon. Everything points to the shy virgin Toby who is allergic to sex. It is up to the virgin Toby and her friend Hardy to prove her innocence. This movie is SILLY. It incorporates every cliché imaginable including nude bathroom scene, stupid trick ending and a weird janitor named Malvert. For a bad movie, it is somewhat addictive, and I must admit this is one of my favorites. Not the best horror parody but it is way better then Transylvania 6-5000.
Dir- Ovidio G Assonitis
There were many films to bank on the success of Jaws including Piranha and Orka. With that in mind, what do you get when you cross Italian filmmakers, sunny California locals and a slew of well-known stars. Unfortunately, you get this crud. A giant octopus menaces swimmers, and boaters, eating a few along the way. It then begins to attack a group of kids on a sailing regatta. What is missing from this film are the talents of the well-known stars, it seems each one lost a bet or was dared to appear in this movie as no one lives up to their talent’s. Even worse was the Octopus effects; it looks like it was filmed in someone’s dirty pool. The only role worth noting is Shelly Winters who plays one of the mothers and probably could have played the monster better than the crappy machine they used. The killer whales used to save the day appear too late to salvage this drivel. Ironically this film was directed by the man who delivered the Exorcist clone Beyond The Door. Read into it what you may.
Toolbox Murders, The (1978)
Dir- Dennis Donnelly
Oh Boy! This slasher movie was one of the first films to receive major criticism from parent’s groups and talk shows. A crazed killer stymies police with a series of brutal murders using everything out of a Black & Decker catalog including a cool Nailgun. Very rough, very vulgar, but VERY DULL. One of those films you wish you had not rented and will want to send back demanding an apology. This movie was shown to an audience of Donahue, and it received a mass of boos and groans from the shocked audience.
Transylvania 6-5000 (1985)
Dir- Rudy De Luca
There are some campy horror movies that are a riot, and then there is Transylvania 6-5000. Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. play tabloid reporters who travel to the infamous town to prove if these monsters exist. Much of this film relies on homage’s to previous horror spoofs, but it fails in almost every way. The supporting cast does include some notable faces including Michael Richards (TV's Cosmo Kramer) as an Igor-like servant, Jeffrey Jones as an innkeeper who wants to make quick money, and Geena Davis as a very sexy and horny vampire. A good cast that is wasted on this drivel, if you want a good spoof to try the way funnier Young Frankenstein.
Trick or Treat (1986)
Dir- Charles Martin Smith
A good idea that does not quite make it. Marc Price (Skippy on Family Ties) plays a loner teen who idolizes a heavy metal rocker who dies before the release of his next album. It seems that the local DJ (Gene Simmons of Kiss) has the last album and when played backward summons the evil spirit of the rocker. The slasher deaths follow as the loner teens find his enemies being taken out one at a time. The only highlights being the numerous cameos by notable rockers including Ozzy Osborne as a preacher condemning rock music. Way too much MTV influence followed by direct rip-offs of other more modern horror flicks.
2,000 Maniacs (1964)
Dir- Herschell Gordon Lewis
Rednecks know how to have fun and when you get a wild bunch together you can have a real great party. A group of travelers finds themselves detoured into a small town where a 100th-anniversary festival is taking place in a small southern town. Little do they realize that the village and its inhabitants are ghosts and they are going to avenge their deaths at the hands of Yankee soldiers a century before. Gore Guru Herschell Gordon Lewis delivers his funniest and best of his splatter movies in this wild and crazy film which are about 1,980 maniacs shy of the 2,000. The blood and guts are typical of Gordon, but the deaths are done with a creative flair and of course who could forget that infamous theme music. Get your whiskey jugs and banjos and have yourself a real good time!
Up from the Depths (1979)
Dir- Charles B Griffith
Well, is does not pay to live in a beachside resort; with pissed off killer whales, vengeful sharks and a nasty octopus out there to gobble you up. Thanks to the less than stellar Philippine cinema we have yet another lame Jaws rip-off featuring a fake looking prehistoric fish gobbling up super models and hapless fishers. There are a little nudity and some all right scenery, but that's about it. I guess this film would be better than watching paint dry but have you seen those new shades from Glidden lately.
Dir- Richard Wenk
A trio of college frat brothers needs a stripper for a stag party, and they turn to an exotic dancer named Katrina played by Grace Jones. Katrina appears in a unique black and white motif and drives the guys wild yet little do they realize that Katrina and her friends are vampires. This little vampire film lacks the big budget feel of Dracula but does offer a cool story, great dance sequences, and your usual blood sucking gore.
Dir- Greydon Clark
Unlike the very similar Student Bodies, Wacko boasts some well-known stars. George Kennedy, Julia Duffy, a pre-Dice Andrew Clay and the venerable Joe Don Baker appear in this silly parody of Prom Night and Halloween. Hitchcock High’s Halloween Pumpkin Prom is in danger as the not so infamous Lawn Mower Massacre stalks those stupid teens. Duffy portrays the poor teenager who is haunted by the image and sounds of lawnmowers. A weird movie that goes into some bizarre areas and incorporates homage’s from more famous films. The real treat is watching Joe Don Baker parody his role from Walking Tall and Mitchell. I guess it's for those who consider Gallagher too sophisticated.
Dir- Jon Hess
I once stated that many a novel could not be done right, and this is very much the proof needed. What is considered an excellent book by Dean R Koontz is a grotesquely bad film which seems to be more of a vehicle for that annoying twerp Cory Haim then a decent horror film. The government creates the ultimate weapon in the form of a smart dog and icky monster. Well the dog escapes and the "hideous???" Monster gives chase. This film was gutted so much one wonders why they spent money to adapt the book. Michael Ironside appears as a psycho bounty hunter and is the only thing likable about this sham. This is one instance where the sequel was way better than the original. Talk about the monster; I found more scary creatures in Bugs Bunny cartoons…..
Dir- Kevin Tenney
Ever wanted to play with one of those Quija boards, well a group of friend's huddle together and find the game is more than what they expected when they suddenly find themselves dying one at a time. Tawny Kitaen stars as a teen that gets possessed by a spirit of an evil ghost when she uses the board alone. A medium which is called in discovers the ghost is an evil magician who was killed by police years ago. A few typical deaths and murder by sundial made this film a surprise hit when it was released. Not too bad and with Kitaen, you have a generic teen who is worth watching. Check it out, and you might get the most out of a .99 cent rental.
Wizard of Gore (1970)
Dir- Herschell Gorden Lewis
I seem to recall a time when Herschell Gorden Lewis was known for being the best in the field of splatter, after all, he invented it with his classic Blood Feast and the very wild 2000 Maniacs. By this time his magic had faded as fast as an NBC Spielberg TV show. By this time he was making movies that bordered more on porn than horror. The mad magician Montag the Whatever performs before a shocked audience as he performs realistic scenes of mutilation. Afterward, he takes his willing volunteers from the crowd and performs actual feats of cut and slice. Of course, all this is patterned after his stage act. All of this seems way to similar to the later Blood Sucking Freaks and considering both are the dregs of the list I wonder why anyone would copy such a horribly bad movie. Like BSF, this film boasts bad acting, bad sound, bad sets and FX that aren't so special. A real low point for ole'Herschell and only good enough for those die hard HG Lewis fans who must see them all. Yeah!
Worm Eaters, The (1977)
Dir- Herb Robins
Herb Robins directed and stars in this putrid and plotless drek about a worm farmer who begins to eat his wares. He believes he is a Worm Man and passes on his sick fetish to those he bites. The acting is so unbelievably bad you wonder if these people were hired solely for their willingness to put live worms in their mouths. When it was released, they had a promotion where viewers were given free passes if they would eat live worms. I wonder what is worse, paying to watch or getting in for free. Either way, The Worm Eaters is indeed a truly gross movie, in more ways than one. Eat up!
Wraith, The (1986)
Dir- Mike Marvin
Charlie Sheen stars as a ghost who returns to avenge the death of his former self in this mediocre thriller. More of a car chase movie than a horror film it does boast some cool race scenes, some weird characters with funny haircuts and a cool supercharged Dodge. What another movie would have a pair of brainless morons named Skank and Gutterboy? Look for Randy Quade and a young and sassy Sherilyn Fenn.
Dir-Harry Bromley Davenport
A young boy is shocked to find his long gone father has returned mysteriously to claim custody of him. Oh did I forget to mention that pop was kidnapped by aliens who turned him into some weird crab-like monster who rapes a woman and is reborn to his usual self in a span of about 10 minutes? Well, it looks like ET dad wants his boy to grow up just like him. This halfway decent film gets by on its weird premise, but as with such a bizarre plot, you must wonder if the director knew what the hell was up or what he was smoking. Great creature effects, though, you have to see the crab-walker and birth scene!